2nd Round

The last week has been nothing short of a bit fucked. I’d maybe even go as far as saying two weeks. I’ll say it publicly too I don’t think I’ve been great to work with either. Really flat and a little shorter than usual. Work is ramping a fair bit, in this particular time of the program. I am perplexed at the shit that people are willing to die in a ditch over. All under the guise of doing the best for their area.

Now I am not saying that I do not care, but in my situation I know more than most that there really are far bigger fish to fry. What disappoints me most is that some parts of our business seem to forget that we are also them, and yet they still treat us as if we are desperately trying to screw them over. This is all adding to the bullshit. In my mind I am just thinking of the taper to the next round, and if my stomach will be nice!

I am freaking out worried that I can just make it OK enough to go on the ride coming up. You may recall the seizure incident was 2 days before going on my first camp trip on my R1200GSA… So this is all playing on my mind too.

And then this week my arch nemesis I had to get a filling at dental. This was Tuesday. I do not know I I was trying not to think about it, or pretend it wasn’t going to happen. But I really thought I’d be OK. Anyway, not long after we started, I got to the leg shaking, and then tears started. God this drives me crazy. The dentist and her assistant were beautiful.

But I got really worried in that even when she gave me a break, my leg would not get back under control for some minutes. Then my ind started to go plain fucking crazy. I got myself to the point where I actually started thinking, this may well induce a seizure if it keeps going…. around halfway through, she gave me a minute and said is there anything we can do to help you. I just reached up and grabbed the assistants hand, I do not know why. But when I am freaking I just need to feel a person’s skin and warmth. She was so nice and soothed me by just rubbing the back of my hand for a bit.

I needed the usual scale and clean and she asked if I wanted to come back, hell no, I told her we would do it all now and get it done… so after she finished, and my leg finally stopped involuntarily doing its own shit down there, I completely melted down. I said a few things that just had to come out, ‘I am sick of medical stuff’. Just past it. ‘I don’t want to be like this’, and why can’t I just b3 normal in these situations’. They wanted me to see the mental health nurse to just talk to. But as I told them, I had meetings that I needed to do, people were counting on me. Yes I had to drive myself back to work.

So I psyched myself up, a few positive affirmations, I am lucky to still be here, I have so much to actually be grateful for, and there are people in far worse situations. But moreover, this is only cancer, nothing special that others don’t deal with every day. If they can so can I.

So back to work it was, I felt terrible that I had almost traumatised them so bad after they done so much to make me feel comfortable. And then after the anaesthetic wore off I had an issue that I needed a little more polished off, so back I had to go. God by time I got off work I was completely drained. I think chemo on Friday was also weighing me down too…

When I picked Christine up and told her about it all I was spent. Bythe time I got home, I just went to the bedroom, and I cried with her. I am so frigging tired of this shit. No one deserves this stuff. But that was Tuesday I always know a new tomorrow is a new day and it can be better than the last. Ev3n if I had to book another dental app on Friday morning, because I still had an issue. Christine came to the Friday appt. The dentist was great, turns out I had a sensitive reaction to the glue, may take up to a week to calm down. Fingers crossed.

Straight after that appt, we drove to the icon cancer centre and picked up chemo, I dropped her at work and I went back and got into it. Late meeting meant I had to start the process while on a meeting connect up. Then while picking her up from work take the rest while in car, which almost made me spew it all up in my lap…. To be honest I was really glad to see the arse end of Friday.

William has popped down for a few days, so Saturday morning a nice family breakfast with Mick too. Get a meal in while my stomach is a bit OK. Because now on Sunday while I write this, my stomach not feeling too super, and head hurts. But slightly more worried about a weird feeling in my left foot that has lingered after the Tuesdays dental freak out. I hope it will calm as I plug away at chemo. I have to get in for a few meetings at work and hope these couple of things take my mind off everything health wise. That and sleep may be my best friends right now.

Stay awesome, be thankful for your health, and hug the fambam,

Bullet

in my best Obi-wan Kenobi voice, ‘these are not the results you’re looking for…’

I am pissed off, and that is borne about by resentment and fear. Again.

Two months and here we are. A few things have been going on, I am sure the same for everyone. But I may as well get straight to it. My March MRI that I last let you all know I was doing, results were a little concerning to my Oncologist, and the Radiologist who did the report. So it was recommended that I get another scan in 4-6 weeks. Another cock up with bookings and aligning doctor appts resulted in an MRI exactly on the 6 week mark. Unfortunately getting my specialists straight after was not possible.

All of this led to my asking the Oncologist’s office as I was scheduling my follow up appt to ask that given the delayed appt if he could review the scans and at least let me know if it was just a false alarm. So about 2 weeks after the scan I got a call Thursday afternoon, and the call was reasonably short. Doc says scan didn’t look good, and confirmed earlier scan that something was up. He had already had a connect up with my Neurosurgeon, and Radiation Oncologist and they agreed that it would be a good idea to get started with two rounds of chemotherapy, straight away. They did not think that it would be worth considering Radiation again, or Surgery at this point. Yay for that.

So I had to leave work as the Icon Centre (where I get treatment) already had a pathology request for bloods to be taken that I needed to have done before Chemo to monitor all levels through the cycles. A mad dash to get it done. So Friday morning after the gym (it was leg day, and tough guys don’t miss leg day…), within 10 minutes of packing my weights away I was at medical getting a party bag of stuff to keep my body slightly under control through next few months. Just like that, back on the merry-go-round of ‘how is your stomach and fatigue level Bingo’ for the next few months.

Bloods to be taken

So Friday afternoon after a busy day, I had to bang out early and back to the Icon Centre to pick up the chemo.

Chemo again, a couple of cycles, and see where we land.

And there you go, just like that, here we are. I am not going to hide it, I am frustrated, disappointed, and just fucking pissed off. I don’t want to be back here. the last few years (yes lucky I can use that phrase), have been really hard on my head. It has just not been easy. Any slight feel on left side has triggered me to think is it back? Over the last few months I have had a few headaches, same thing,…. is it back? So getting back into work has been a steady way of getting that stuff out of my mind. Also allowing me to rebuild confidence to actually leave the house, and know I can get through the day, not having to be in my safe cave.

But now after this, it has all come back again.

But what am I going to do? There is no point moaning. By the sound of my oncologist’s voice, this was the option. There’s no lying, I am emotionally shit, but it happened quite fast. Which has meant less think time. However now after the first dose last night, I have to settle in, put the negative ‘poor me’ bullshit aside and just get on with it. I am hopeful that now through these next few weeks and months that my body won’t be as smashed as I was and I will be tolerating it all ok. Although I went straight back onto same dose as I finished on. Nil ramp up this time. Straight back into the saddle.

The last almost 48 hours I have just thought again all over why me, can’t I just let this shit go. But in a huge show of understanding of equity and diversity, cancer doesn’t mind who or what you are. It doesn’t matter that you may be a good person who works hard. There is no consideration of you being a member of society that is trying to leave the place better than they found it. the cancer arrows are indiscriminate. Maybe the world could learn a lesson here from illness?

Through next few weeks Ill keep everyone informed on progress, how I am responding and stuff.I will remain positive, and try and keep on keeping on. This morning went out with Mick for breakfast, stomach still in tact so far. So ill make use of it while I can.

As written by Chris Stapleton in his song, ‘Starting Over’
‘Now this might not be an easy time
There’s rivers to cross & hills to climb
& some days we might fall apart
And some nights might feel cold & dark’

In better news I went on the Snowy Ride. It was really tough on the small bike, and the weather was awful. But at least I was on the bike. Here is a shot of me coming up towards Charlotte’s pass.

And yes I look cold because it really was!

It was fun though to get out of the house, and onto a ride weekend. A bit of solitude to clear the head was good. But I really did start to think about a bigger bike again, so……

A slightly used F800gs it was!

Back on a BMW it is. A few years old but a nice bike. Depending on how this small shitfight goes I am aiming for a Cape York trip with the boys in late Jul.

And super good news William turned 21. He wanted low key and nothing special, so we went up to Newcastle, and did a celebration at a pub with his mates and Girlfriend Jess. It was a good night, and we sponsored a few drinks for everyone that were appreciated!

Out for a walk around Newy while we were there, Happy Birthday Bill!

Other stuff has been going on, bjt all the while I still get the most amazing support from Christine the boys family and all of you guys. At tougher times I draw strength through these interactions, and I remain ever thankful for your kind thoughts and open ears.

Stay awesome everyone, stay thankful every day, and Hug the fam,

Bullet

Random thought from my run last night

The universe will only ever ask for you to be your best you at any given point. It’s people who ask or expect more.

So be true to yourself and best the best version of you.

If you are happy to sit on a couch all day and that is your best you, and you are comfortable with all that goes with it, that’s your best you.

If it means running 20km a day, every day, and still fitting in family and work and everything else, that’s your best you.

You’re the one who looks in the mirror and faces you. You see the outcome of your decisions. If you are happy with what you see, and who you know you are, as a result of your decisions, the rest is noise.

But if you don’t like what you see. If you see something you want to change, then look that mirror in the eye, and make a deal with that person, to get your arse into gear and be that best version of you.

The noise won’t make the change for you.
Your partner won’t make that change for you.
Family and friends won’t make the change either.
It’s all on the person in the mirror.

Stay Cool, don’t hide your mirrors, and hug the fam,

Bullet