in my best Obi-wan Kenobi voice, ‘these are not the results you’re looking for…’

I am pissed off, and that is borne about by resentment and fear. Again.

Two months and here we are. A few things have been going on, I am sure the same for everyone. But I may as well get straight to it. My March MRI that I last let you all know I was doing, results were a little concerning to my Oncologist, and the Radiologist who did the report. So it was recommended that I get another scan in 4-6 weeks. Another cock up with bookings and aligning doctor appts resulted in an MRI exactly on the 6 week mark. Unfortunately getting my specialists straight after was not possible.

All of this led to my asking the Oncologist’s office as I was scheduling my follow up appt to ask that given the delayed appt if he could review the scans and at least let me know if it was just a false alarm. So about 2 weeks after the scan I got a call Thursday afternoon, and the call was reasonably short. Doc says scan didn’t look good, and confirmed earlier scan that something was up. He had already had a connect up with my Neurosurgeon, and Radiation Oncologist and they agreed that it would be a good idea to get started with two rounds of chemotherapy, straight away. They did not think that it would be worth considering Radiation again, or Surgery at this point. Yay for that.

So I had to leave work as the Icon Centre (where I get treatment) already had a pathology request for bloods to be taken that I needed to have done before Chemo to monitor all levels through the cycles. A mad dash to get it done. So Friday morning after the gym (it was leg day, and tough guys don’t miss leg day…), within 10 minutes of packing my weights away I was at medical getting a party bag of stuff to keep my body slightly under control through next few months. Just like that, back on the merry-go-round of ‘how is your stomach and fatigue level Bingo’ for the next few months.

Bloods to be taken

So Friday afternoon after a busy day, I had to bang out early and back to the Icon Centre to pick up the chemo.

Chemo again, a couple of cycles, and see where we land.

And there you go, just like that, here we are. I am not going to hide it, I am frustrated, disappointed, and just fucking pissed off. I don’t want to be back here. the last few years (yes lucky I can use that phrase), have been really hard on my head. It has just not been easy. Any slight feel on left side has triggered me to think is it back? Over the last few months I have had a few headaches, same thing,…. is it back? So getting back into work has been a steady way of getting that stuff out of my mind. Also allowing me to rebuild confidence to actually leave the house, and know I can get through the day, not having to be in my safe cave.

But now after this, it has all come back again.

But what am I going to do? There is no point moaning. By the sound of my oncologist’s voice, this was the option. There’s no lying, I am emotionally shit, but it happened quite fast. Which has meant less think time. However now after the first dose last night, I have to settle in, put the negative ‘poor me’ bullshit aside and just get on with it. I am hopeful that now through these next few weeks and months that my body won’t be as smashed as I was and I will be tolerating it all ok. Although I went straight back onto same dose as I finished on. Nil ramp up this time. Straight back into the saddle.

The last almost 48 hours I have just thought again all over why me, can’t I just let this shit go. But in a huge show of understanding of equity and diversity, cancer doesn’t mind who or what you are. It doesn’t matter that you may be a good person who works hard. There is no consideration of you being a member of society that is trying to leave the place better than they found it. the cancer arrows are indiscriminate. Maybe the world could learn a lesson here from illness?

Through next few weeks Ill keep everyone informed on progress, how I am responding and stuff.I will remain positive, and try and keep on keeping on. This morning went out with Mick for breakfast, stomach still in tact so far. So ill make use of it while I can.

As written by Chris Stapleton in his song, ‘Starting Over’
‘Now this might not be an easy time
There’s rivers to cross & hills to climb
& some days we might fall apart
And some nights might feel cold & dark’

In better news I went on the Snowy Ride. It was really tough on the small bike, and the weather was awful. But at least I was on the bike. Here is a shot of me coming up towards Charlotte’s pass.

And yes I look cold because it really was!

It was fun though to get out of the house, and onto a ride weekend. A bit of solitude to clear the head was good. But I really did start to think about a bigger bike again, so……

A slightly used F800gs it was!

Back on a BMW it is. A few years old but a nice bike. Depending on how this small shitfight goes I am aiming for a Cape York trip with the boys in late Jul.

And super good news William turned 21. He wanted low key and nothing special, so we went up to Newcastle, and did a celebration at a pub with his mates and Girlfriend Jess. It was a good night, and we sponsored a few drinks for everyone that were appreciated!

Out for a walk around Newy while we were there, Happy Birthday Bill!

Other stuff has been going on, bjt all the while I still get the most amazing support from Christine the boys family and all of you guys. At tougher times I draw strength through these interactions, and I remain ever thankful for your kind thoughts and open ears.

Stay awesome everyone, stay thankful every day, and Hug the fam,

Bullet