The last week has been nothing short of a bit fucked. I’d maybe even go as far as saying two weeks. I’ll say it publicly too I don’t think I’ve been great to work with either. Really flat and a little shorter than usual. Work is ramping a fair bit, in this particular time of the program. I am perplexed at the shit that people are willing to die in a ditch over. All under the guise of doing the best for their area.
Now I am not saying that I do not care, but in my situation I know more than most that there really are far bigger fish to fry. What disappoints me most is that some parts of our business seem to forget that we are also them, and yet they still treat us as if we are desperately trying to screw them over. This is all adding to the bullshit. In my mind I am just thinking of the taper to the next round, and if my stomach will be nice!
I am freaking out worried that I can just make it OK enough to go on the ride coming up. You may recall the seizure incident was 2 days before going on my first camp trip on my R1200GSA… So this is all playing on my mind too.
And then this week my arch nemesis I had to get a filling at dental. This was Tuesday. I do not know I I was trying not to think about it, or pretend it wasn’t going to happen. But I really thought I’d be OK. Anyway, not long after we started, I got to the leg shaking, and then tears started. God this drives me crazy. The dentist and her assistant were beautiful.
But I got really worried in that even when she gave me a break, my leg would not get back under control for some minutes. Then my ind started to go plain fucking crazy. I got myself to the point where I actually started thinking, this may well induce a seizure if it keeps going…. around halfway through, she gave me a minute and said is there anything we can do to help you. I just reached up and grabbed the assistants hand, I do not know why. But when I am freaking I just need to feel a person’s skin and warmth. She was so nice and soothed me by just rubbing the back of my hand for a bit.
I needed the usual scale and clean and she asked if I wanted to come back, hell no, I told her we would do it all now and get it done… so after she finished, and my leg finally stopped involuntarily doing its own shit down there, I completely melted down. I said a few things that just had to come out, ‘I am sick of medical stuff’. Just past it. ‘I don’t want to be like this’, and why can’t I just b3 normal in these situations’. They wanted me to see the mental health nurse to just talk to. But as I told them, I had meetings that I needed to do, people were counting on me. Yes I had to drive myself back to work.
So I psyched myself up, a few positive affirmations, I am lucky to still be here, I have so much to actually be grateful for, and there are people in far worse situations. But moreover, this is only cancer, nothing special that others don’t deal with every day. If they can so can I.
So back to work it was, I felt terrible that I had almost traumatised them so bad after they done so much to make me feel comfortable. And then after the anaesthetic wore off I had an issue that I needed a little more polished off, so back I had to go. God by time I got off work I was completely drained. I think chemo on Friday was also weighing me down too…
When I picked Christine up and told her about it all I was spent. Bythe time I got home, I just went to the bedroom, and I cried with her. I am so frigging tired of this shit. No one deserves this stuff. But that was Tuesday I always know a new tomorrow is a new day and it can be better than the last. Ev3n if I had to book another dental app on Friday morning, because I still had an issue. Christine came to the Friday appt. The dentist was great, turns out I had a sensitive reaction to the glue, may take up to a week to calm down. Fingers crossed.
Straight after that appt, we drove to the icon cancer centre and picked up chemo, I dropped her at work and I went back and got into it. Late meeting meant I had to start the process while on a meeting connect up. Then while picking her up from work take the rest while in car, which almost made me spew it all up in my lap…. To be honest I was really glad to see the arse end of Friday.
William has popped down for a few days, so Saturday morning a nice family breakfast with Mick too. Get a meal in while my stomach is a bit OK. Because now on Sunday while I write this, my stomach not feeling too super, and head hurts. But slightly more worried about a weird feeling in my left foot that has lingered after the Tuesdays dental freak out. I hope it will calm as I plug away at chemo. I have to get in for a few meetings at work and hope these couple of things take my mind off everything health wise. That and sleep may be my best friends right now.
Stay awesome, be thankful for your health, and hug the fambam,
Bullet
The Tumor Trip! 