A pause for reflection

I don’t know about you guys but I am a bit exhausted. Since late 2019 my (and that of my families) world turned upside down, or went totally to shit. With surgery, diagnosis, treatment, all while living through bushfires and now COVID. Not to mention global events like COVID and the US political meltdown has not been fun to observe either.

I think that I have told you all that I have not yet read a word on here after I have posted. Some of it I am sure is painful, some total crap, but at least I am getting it all out. So I would have no idea how often I double up, or say stuff that is meaningful. So my apologies if I am saying stuff I have already said.

The last month or so I have been unfortunately filled with both a sense of peace and high anxiety. Weird combination, trust me.

Peace, Seriously???

Yeah go figure. I am still working through my Meditation book Meditation and In-Depth Guide by Ian Gawler. If you need any inspiration regarding meditation, and various techniques this is your book. I have been asked by a few folks about meditation I am certain that it helps your head, and whole life outlook. With the diagnosis I am dealing with I couldn’t do this without Christine or meditation. Like all people who meditate, especially beginners, I don’t do it enough. But we have already accepted I am a work in progress… I am onto the chapter about Mindfulness of Emotions. So it has helped me in dealing with fear and anxiety stuff. Which leads well into…

Fear, Panic and Anxiety

As I have said the doctors told us in October 2019 that I had about 12-16 months. Fark me, that was a jolt to the system. It really messes you up when a doctor sits you down and discusses a diagnosis like a Glioblastoma Multiforme Grade IV. Most people just colloquially refer to having it as either the monster or more plainly, a death sentence. Awesome, even as that time comes I am overachieving….

However I can count my blessings. Surgery went well 2 Oct 19, I survived Radiation (Nov-10 Dec 19), and Chemotherapy was a shithouse 12 months finishing up on 16 Nov 20. that means I am into … month 16. This leaves me in that place in my engineers head of being told by a medical professional or three, maybe more, that I am statistically on the right side of the bell curve. Like I said the past month or more I have been having no fun in my head regarding this period. What do I do, rejoice, call myself a survivor, pensively wait to fall over again and be paralysed by fear of what it might all look like or when the next episode takes place? Too many options right?

A huge worry for me is that the Air Force is assessing a return to work option for me. What I do not want to happen is let people down. I have had so much support from the system, and also from colleagues past and present. The last thing I would want is to have an episode at work and scare people. It has been traumatic enough for my family, I don’t want to trash someone’s day when they are just trying to pump out work at their desk or in a meeting. While I know it can happen to anyone, I guess in my situation I am just very sensitive to the situation.

On balance though I am so very lucky. I am here, I am able to write this blog post and keep you all updated. I have got through the treatment to date, and pending an MRI in Feb I have had no discernable growth over the period since surgery. I have had outstanding love and support from family and friends. I’m able to get out on my mountain bike and ride, I am possibly in the best shape (apart from small leg issues) that I have ever been in. I almost consider myself a professional athlete given my four days a week at gym! It helps me to not feel so guilty being paid for my rehabilitation.

I have been keeping up to date with a few folks on Facebook and Twitter who are really doing it tough and are giving me so much inspiration and drive to keep my shit together. I know I have mates who consider me a bit of an inspiration for a positive attitude. But if you are looking for fight, tenacity and will, have a read of these ladies efforts Brain Cancer Babe, Libby and I love the sharp wit from Thanks Cancer.

All good to keep a lucky guy thankful for what I/we have. Remember folks about the small insignificant shit.

Where does this all get to I hear you say? Here you go, in an effort to reduce stress a bit and gather myself I have slowed social media to an almost standstill. I browse twitter to see how these folks are rolling and a few others, as it helps my perspective, but I have almost entirely ceased facebook. I check in here and there, but frankly I have been happier without the small bullshit that people are losing their minds about.

Have to stay close to home for COVID? Seriously, try confined to home and taking chemo! Or better try having to stay close to home or at least a restroom because chemo has trashed your guts so bad, well you just never know how much time you will have once notice given to your head…. Home schooling kids tough? Be thankful you have kids to care about, and have the opportunity to spend some real time with them preparing them for life. Work giving you the shits because of your boss? Be happy you have the ability to get to work and contribute to something bigger than you. Can’t go to gym or fave coffee shop to meet friends. Be thankful you are well enough to have a coffee and keep food down.

Sorry but no fucks given, and some of the garbage on Facebook people are moaning and whining about I just don’t need. And you know what? I am happier for it. The shit I read now no longer controls how I start the day or end it emotionally. I catch a little news so I know if the world will end now or tomorrow (news organisations of all sides basically are about sooner rather than later) and that’s about it. Reading some good stuff and listening to things that give me strength and knowledge have been far better for my holistic health.

Check out this guys podcasts if you want a real hit of insight and intelligence slotted into your day when you would normally take that drug called dopamine through Facebook (you know when you are bored and just check your feed, like about 4 hours a day….). Ryan Holiday has some outstanding knowledge and wisdom for everyday use and application on Stoicism. I can’t wait to read some of his work, I will add it to my list but for now his podcasts help me get through the day.

Stay Awesome, use your time wiesly, Hug the Fam Bam,

Bullet